


Spring Breaks Loose

by charmingwillow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Pining, Secret Crush, this is pure jily don't be fooled by the relationship tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28332867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmingwillow/pseuds/charmingwillow
Summary: Sometimes, when Lily felt particularly sorry for herself, she’d sit by the dorm window and wonder if she had jinxed herself away from James. If in her anger, there was also magic that gave power to her words and sealed their fate. Because when James had asked her out in front of the entire school and she rejected him, apparently he took it to heart, taking the summer to move on— to Roshana in sixth year.And now here was Lily, wanting and yearning, and forcing herself to feel none of it. To go through the motions and pretend everything is fine.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 82
Collections: Potterverse Gift Exchange





	Spring Breaks Loose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sadgirlvibes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadgirlvibes/gifts).



> Happy holidays to sadgirlvibes, I hope you enjoy!

Lily almost didn’t notice the owl when it came. 

She certainly didn’t notice what time of day it was, only that she was tired and her hand and eyes all ached from straining to read in the fading daylight and then dim firelight— and James Potter’s knees were pressing into her spine and had been for the better part of the late afternoon.

“I swear to Merlin,” Lily grit out as she reached behind her and slapped at his shin. “Budge over, you feral beast.”

“Shit, sorry, Lily.” And then the knees— the discomfort— were gone… and a coolness fell on her back in their absence and for a moment, just a moment, Lily wished she hadn’t told him to move her. Just a moment, all she had to miss the warm of him at her back— and then there was a rustle of paper and a  _whoosh_ , and James’ essay was draped over her shoulder and spilling onto hers.

“What do you think of that,” James said, uncertain, reaching over so that now his chest pressed into her shoulder and he was crushing half his essay. 

Lily tried to remember to breathe as she read over what he’d scribbled. “It’s fine.”

“Thanks, you’re the best.”

Once again he and his essay were gone, returned to a proper sitting position, and scribbling something else onto the parchment. Lily was left with the feeling of him slowly fading and despite herself, she smiled just a little and then went back to work.

It was just the two of them in the common room— well, the two of their year. There were a couple sixth years studying somewhere else, but it was just them on the couch and table around the fire. 

James slumped against the couch, cushions deflating under his weight, and Lily turned to see him rubbing his eyes, his glasses hanging precariously over his hand. “Lily. _Lily._ I think I’m drowning.”

Lily laughed, a bit hollow because she understood exactly how he felt. Every night was a relentless trudge through essays and readings and and and— and they had to get it together, push through this because it was spring, finally, and it was almost  _ over _ . She reached up and carefully took his glasses before they could fall.

“James. _James._ you’re going to be fine.”

James cracked an eye open. It was all red from where he’d rubbed it but its hazel brilliance held true. His eyesight was still rubbish though so he had to squint at her. She laughed again, which is how she missed the tapping against the window.  But James noticed, took his glasses from her to look, and seemed surprised. In a moment, he was up from the couch and at the window, letting in a small brown owl with an even smaller message— apparently addressed to him, because he opened it.

That was when Lily’s stomach gave a slight rumble and she looked away from James, frowning at the world outside. Night had fallen and dinner had arrived which explained the emptiness of the room and the letter James read— evening post. 

Lily stretched her arms above her, yawning big all the while, and gathered up her stuff just as James came back from the window. He was faster, shoving his stuff in his bag, almost knocking over their ink and almost stealing one of her books.

“Hey—” Lily took it from him and carefully set it in her bag. She knit her brow together. “Alright, Potter?”

“What?” James flicked distracted eyes at her and then shook his head, hurrying to the portrait hole. “Oh, yeah, sorry. Just— something— I’ll see you at dinner, yeah?”

“Er,” Lily said, and twisted around to see him go. “Yeah. See you…” 

And then he was gone, silence falling in his wake. Lily waited a few moments and then let out a heavy sigh as she slumped against the couch.

* * *

Lily hitched the strap of her bag further up her ever aching shoulder. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d left the overweight bag in her dorm; it’d been her companion for close to seven months, her constant need for its contents making it absolutely essential.

The hall she walked was empty, with everyone else either already at dinner or else holed up in the library. Her heels echoed down the corridor, and her robes whispered over the dusty flagstone. 

Absently, her hand moved in quick motions, starting and stopping as if correcting itself… Lily mouthed the spell in time with her hand, the Latin words barely audible, as she rounded the corner and found herself at the top of a long stairwell— and she halted, utterly frozen.

Down below, James Potter leaned against a stone arch, his face in perfect profile as he stared out beyond a set of doors open to the sprawling but dark castle lawn. 

A cloaked figure emerged from that darkness: short but slender and familiar, though Lily hadn’t actually seen her in months. 

James perked up, pushing himself up from the arch as his arms fell easily to his sides and he went to the woman, scooping her up in a tight embrace. The movement caused the woman’s hood to fall from her face, revealing long dark hair and warm brown skin. She nestled her head in the curve of James’ neck and whispered something that made him tighten his hold on her. 

When they broke apart, they did so to share a long awaited kiss. 

And Lily Evans turned on her heel and went back the way she came.

* * *

Spring at Hogwarts was beautiful. 

Generations of magic had settled into the land, deep into soil and root. Fat clouds of hydrangea bobbed at the forest edges; thick bushes of garden roses swayed by the greenhouses, cloying, heady; ivy stretched up the castle’s stone walls, toward the crystal blue sky. The snows melted, the grass turned lush, and the busy buzz and chatter of the forest returned.

All the while, drifts of soft, warm air thawed hearts and minds alike. Possibility ripened, thrumming through the air. 

It made Lily Evans feel alive. 

It made her feel awful. 

There was something to be said about going through half a year at Hogwarts whilst numb.

Between seventh year’s beastly exams and life’s looming career responsibilities… mixed in with a heaping bowl of war shit… it was just easier to shut out everything not to do with studying. Lily’s grades had never been better, having thrown herself in them completely. Her parents, too, were quite happy with how timely she was in her responses to their letters. 

It was just going through the motions, of course, biding her time until she wouldn’t feel like—  _ this.  _

For a while it worked; it felt normal, even empowering and accomplishing to decide she wouldn’t let herself become a melancholic, soppy mess over a new infatuation she didn’t want. 

The problem was that James Potter was so wonderful. 

There were all the times he stood up for a fellow muggleborn, proving his good character. Or every time he kept his friends’ secrets, showing his loyalty. There were the Hogsmeade trips, the laughs over butterbeer, and late study nights. There were the packages of sweets from his mum he’d share with everyone, or the dark trips to the kitchens for hot cocoa. 

It didn’t help that they were head boy and girl and forced to keep a show of unity in the most romantic of settings: Hogwarts at night, during rounds— or even squeezed together in the Head’s office, writing out schedules over candlelight. Pockets of quiet, just the two of them, where she’d look up at the right (wrong) moment and catch the candle’s light reflecting the gold flecks in his eyes— and she’d miss the entirety of what he was saying.

The worst part was that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

The entire school, including her, had known he’d been infatuated with  _ her _ for years, right up until the end of fifth year when the incident with Snape happened by the lake. What happened next turned into school legend, following her in whispers and reports from her friends who gleefully recounted how the story had changed over time. 

(There was a version where she’d taken an Unbreakable Vow to  _ never  _ date him. And speculation she turned him down due to being secretly betrothed since birth to someone in France— why else would she turn down  _ James Potter,  _ after all?)

Sometimes, when Lily felt particularly sorry for herself, she’d sit by the dorm window and wonder if she had jinxed herself away from James. If in her anger, there was also magic that gave power to her words and sealed their fate. Because when James had asked her out in front of the entire school and she rejected him, apparently he took it to heart, taking the summer to move on— to Roshana in sixth year. 

It’d been fine, absolutely fine, when the two started dating. She was a year ahead of them, in Ravenclaw. Beautiful, brilliant, a willing ear to James’ gifted chaos. Well matched. 

It was fine, honestly and truly, because Lily had spent sixth year slowly peeling away her prejudiced dislike for James and learned to be his friend. It’d been easy since she was down a best friend and had all the time to make a new one. 

She wasn’t sure when, exactly, James had surpassed Mary and even Marlene and crossed the threshold into being her best friend, just like she wasn’t sure when her heart started to skip and yearn. 

When she looked back and tried to trace it, it all melded together like the gentle passing of seasons: where once was cold winter, there was now the warmth of spring and Lily Evans saw James Potter and thought,  _ oh no _ . 

* * *

Mary and Marlene both looked up from where they’d set up camp on their respective beds, their textbooks stacked at the foot, parchment taking up every other bit of free space, barely leaving enough room for their folded legs. 

Lily threw her bag onto the floor in front of her bed and then threw herself onto the mattress, face first into a pillow. “Roshana is visiting James.” 

Her words were muffled but clear enough; an awkward silence filled the dorm where Mary and Marlene no doubt shared unreadable looks. Lily never spoke to them about her feelings for James, but they must have known— they were just gracious enough not to mention it. 

“Good timing,” Marlene said, tentatively with false cheer. “It’s Hogsmeade weekend. We can all see her.”

The very last thing in the world Lily wanted to do, short of going on a date with Gilderoy Lockhart, was watch James go on a date with Roshana. 

Not that Roshana wasn’t great, that wasn’t it. They’d all been friends before she graduated, and she featured in most of Lily’s memory of sixth year. Happy memories. It was just that… she had seen who James was before Lily had. It was Lily’s own fault, of course. She really did not want James but… looking back, it still stung a bit. Irrationally, so.

Lily’s mattress dipped a bit and her body rolled toward Mary as she sat at the edge and patted her arm gently. “What Marlene means, Lils, is that… we can have a girls’ weekend up here. No boys, no awkward date crashing… just us dormmates.”

It  _ was _ awfully tempting but even as Lily thought of it, she knew she wouldn’t do it. She wasn’t a coward who hid up in her tower at any sign of danger or distress. So she shook her head, rolling her face out from her pillow and blinked at her concerned friends.

“We’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks,” she reasoned and sure enough, the longing she carried for it flickered through her despondency. 

The weekend— just the simple promise of a cold butterbeer— was the only reason they’d gotten through their late night studying. It was a much deserved reward for the entire year, a short reprieve where they could stretch their legs, rest their weary eyes, and laugh. If Roshana was there, well… at least Lily was prepared now. 

* * *

James never really talked about Roshana. He gave them all updates, or she wrote to them all herself, telling them about her life in London and her job at the Ministry. But if being in a long distance relationship was difficult, he never said. He  _ did _ talk about his plans after Hogwarts but Roshana never quite featured in them. 

These weren’t flaws in their relationship, but Lily noticed those details even if no one else did. They pointed out when Roshana’s owl would soar into the Great Hall, but didn’t ask how Roshana would feel if he moved into a flat with all his friends but not her. Not that Lily had the courage to ask herself but still, it was curious.

Or maybe Lily was overthinking things because at the end of the day, James still had his arm around Roshana’s shoulders as she regaled them all with a story about a shopping trip through Muggle London. A smile tugged at James’ mouth as he interjected halfway through, reminding her to tell them about some minute detail she’d forgotten, because  _ he’d _ already heard this story before. 

Roshana laughed and patted his hand in thanks and backtracked in her story. Lily sipped at her butterbeer, not really paying attention, and instead looking around at the pub. It was packed with their classmates so they were forced, all ten of them, to gather around a table meant for four. Mary and Marlene pressed up against Lily’s sides, mostly out of necessity but also as a show of support. 

The others laughed at the ending of Roshana’s tale, whatever it was, and Lily blinked, remembering to summon a laugh in an effort to at least pretend she’d listened. She drained the rest of her butterbeer, the dregs over-sweet and flat, and as she lowered her goblet, she found James staring at her. 

Lily choked on her butterbeer. 

Mary gave her a hard whack on the back which helped a little bit, but now they were all staring at her, and Lily was still hacking up the rest of her drink into her napkin while tears formed in her eyes. 

“Need some water?” Peter helpfully pushed his glass her way but she shook her head, pretty sure what she actually needed was her dignity back.

Lily stood, shaking her head all the while, and rasped out, “getting more napkins.”

Even with half of Hogwarts seemingly in the pub, the bar was blessedly less packed than her table. A small oasis where she could breathe and clear off the red flush on her face. 

Lily got her napkins and dabbed at her eyes and the sprays of drink on the front of her shirt. She found her bearings as she took a few deep breaths. She didn’t even notice that someone had sidled up beside her until she heard his tenor voice order two new butterbeers. 

A warm trickle swept over Lily and she flushed again as she turned and found James smiling down at her. 

“You okay?” 

Lily cleared her throat and managed to tear her eyes away, down to the smooth grain in the wood of the bar. “Yeah.”

There was humor in James’ voice as he nudged her arm with his. “Sorta feel like it was my fault.”

Yeah it was, but Lily said, “don’t be silly. Just went down wrong.”

“Well still,” James said, “sorry if I surprised you.”

Lily hummed just as two overflowing pewter goblets slammed down in front of James. Golden and frothing liquid dripped onto the counter between them and James helped himself to Lily’s stack of napkins to clean them up a bit.

“I didn’t know Roshana was visiting,” she said, making the surprise sound pleasant. 

James took a deep breath, heaved it out, and then ran a hand through his nest of hair. “Yeah, I got her owl last night, about an hour before she Apparated into the village. Figured she’d take advantage of Hogsmeade to see me, er, legally.”

Lily’s lips quirked into a smile and she tossed James a playful look. “Is there an  _ illegal _ way?”

James huffed out a  _ psh _ and said, “Evans, please. There’s at least seven different passages out of the castle, on top of my other bag of tricks.”

Lily lost her smile a bit and she looked down at her little ball of crumpled napkins. Nowadays, James called her Lily and it was friendly, normal.  _ Evans _ came out when they got lost in their banter and sometimes,  _ sometimes _ , it felt a little like flirting. Shamefully, in the velvet night during rounds, she’d indulge in him calling her that, and dared to flirt back a tiny bit. 

But there were two butterbeer goblets, one for him and one for his girlfriend who sat mere feet away. So Lily let the use of her surname go and stole a glance up at James. 

“You know, I think—”

“You smell good.”

Lily froze, her sentence dying completely, and then her heart  _ squeezed _ with dull pain because he wasn’t supposed to tell her things like that. Apparently, James seemed a bit stunned that he had said it, like maybe he’d blurted some secret thought and— no, Lily wouldn’t go down  _ that _ path. 

“Er,” James coughed, and then his hand was on the back of his neck and he looked away. “Just so you… know…”

It was valiant of him to follow through with his compliment but she couldn’t… She took a breath and nodded behind them, where Roshana and all their friends waited for them. “You should get back.”

“And you too—”

“I need more quills.” 

The errand came to her on the spot, invented as an excuse to leave and get some fresh air, clear her thoughts. She nodded to herself and backed away from the bar a bit. James’ lips tugged down into a frown but he didn’t stop her.

“See you at dinner?”

Lily had already turned away but she paused. “...Maybe.”

He smiled, satisfied with the answer, and took the butterbeers from the bar. Her friends shouted their own goodbyes to her as they noticed her weaving through the crowd and she raised her hand in farewell to them as she passed. 

Outside, the warm spring air brought forth the sweet scent of blooms; Lily paused in the entrance of the pub, that alive tingling back in her veins, pushing away the winter numbness. She stole one last glance at James before she left and hurried away as she found him smiling at her. 

* * *

An unopened box of jewel colored quills sat up in Lily’s truck at the end of her bed but she still slipped from the Three Broomsticks and went through the motions as she always did, going at a meandering pace down the high street of Hogsmeade, toward the little red stationery shop at on the corner. 

The ground was muddy from the last of the melted snows and her shoes squished into it, pressing fallen flower petals into it and doing her best to keep it all off the hem of her cloak. No one followed her from the pub, which she confirmed with a quick look over her shoulder, and she was grateful. 

All this time, she’d gotten used to James having a girlfriend but it’d been a while since she’d seen the two of them together, sharing space and breath and inside jokes that ended with sly, secret grins. 

Lily sighed through her nose and then, after yet another glance over her shoulder, she brought her wrist up and sniffed once, quickly, seeking out the warm jasmine James had complimented— and then she dropped her arm just as fast, just as she reached her destination, thinking of how pathetic she’d gotten. 

Mercifully, the shop was mostly empty and she was free to wander aimlessly through it, brushing her fingers over boxes of quills, bottles of ink that sparkled in the sun, and smooth leather journals waiting to be broken into. 

She wouldn’t actually buy anything, but just browsing re-centered her, the day’s events falling away and leaving what was actually important: she had a Charms essay that needed polishing, and she needed to check on her Potions project— and to also reply to the master potioneer in Oxford about that apprenticeship… 

Nodding to the bored shop keeper, Lily opened the door to leave, and then wished she hadn’t. 

James and Roshana walked hand in hand, looking so utterly at ease with being in each other’s company. Neither of them spoke until Roshana stopped them by an alley with a gentle hand on James’ forearm. She said something Lily couldn’t hear and gestured down the alley where, Lily recalled, led up a hill and to a small clearing overlooking the lake. Very romantic, if a bit cliché, but James nodded which earned him a small smile from Roshana. She turned away, her hand still in his, but he pulled her back, straight into his arms and lips. 

When Roshana pulled away, her smile had gone, replaced by something softer, profound, and Lily knew that—  _ that _ was love, and James accepted it as Roshana pulled him into the alley and out of sight at last. 

Lily hurried away, in the opposite direction, back to the castle, feeling like she’d spied something she shouldn’t have, and wishing…

Wishing… it could have been her.

* * *

For the second time in a row that week, Lily didn’t go to dinner. Neither did James, according to Mary and Marlene, who said this with cautious glances toward Lily. Must be with Roshana in the village, they speculated quietly, while Lily shrugged with her best indifference and carried on with her homework. 

There was a springtime haze over the grounds when Lily woke the next day, Sunday. Cool but thick, lingering, and hovering over the grass like a lazy cloud.

She thought she spotted a familiar tangle of black hair on the way to breakfast but it vanished quickly, disappearing into the crowd and then lost. As quickly as a blink; Lily might as well have imagined it. 

James wasn’t at breakfast and neither was Sirius which wasn’t unusual given their seven year history of creating mischief together. 

“Is Sirius in detention?” Mary asked Remus because where else could he be if James was with Roshana in the village?

But Remus shook his head and traded a tight, slightly shadowed look with Peter. “With James.” 

Peter nodded solemnly and took a big bite from his toast, crumbs falling to the table; Lily watched them fall to the table, a flicker of her eyes, a natural following of movement. And when she glanced back up barely a second later, she found Remus watching her with an unreadable look on his face. Just a moment, about as long as Lily noted the crumbs, and then it was gone. 

None of them saw James for the rest of the day but Sirius popped back up sometime after lunch. Normally when Sirius entered a room, he made sure everyone was aware of it somehow, usually by the barking thunder of his laugh. But when the portrait hole swung open, he seemed slumped, subdued, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he wandered in. He caught Remus and Peter’s eyes and gave a small nod up, toward the staircase leading to their dorms, and then they were gone. 

The girls thought nothing of it and went back to their homework. At least— Mary and Marlene did. Lily glanced up toward the boys dorm and then toward the portrait hole, half expecting and half wishing for James to bound in and flop on the couch right behind her. 

But he didn’t. He was with Roshana, and Lily had to just sigh and get on with things. 

* * *

Night slipped over Hogwarts in a rainbow of dimming light through the tower windows; first bright golden, then rosy, then dusty gray, until finally the sky was dark and velvet. A crescent moon hung low with a smatter of stars and… and—

And tonight was the first truly warm night of the spring; it came in through an open window some fourth year threw open whilst complaining about how stuffy the fire made the room. The fresh air was welcome so no one stopped them and no one had thought to close it as night descended. 

Something about it called to Lily; she’d spent so long pushing aside her feelings that winter had felt eternal but now she felt warm from the breeze. It felt coaxing, like a friend nudging her toward mischief. 

Excitement, unease, yearning, trepidation— they all filled Lily until her breath picked up and she finally tossed her quill down and shook out her aching hand, deciding that a walk would center her once more.

* * *

Outside felt lonely with how empty it was. Sure, the trees whispered from the warm breeze running through their leaves, and a few frogs croaked and grasshoppers chirped but there wasn’t anyone around. No classmates talking in hushed tones, none of their quills scratching across their parchment. 

Just Lily and her restless, thawed heart, tracing her fingers along the rough stone of the castle and over its ivy. Just like in Hogsmeade the day before, she meandered, going first toward the greenhouses and their roses and then changing courses toward the lake.

There was no direction in her walking; she just followed where her feet took her, hoping they would lead her to some kind of peace in the night. 

More stars had come out in the little bit of time it’d taken her to come outside. They twinkled overhead like old friends and perhaps they were; they’d been with her all her life, witnessing all of her accomplishments and missteps. 

Something splashed up ahead and she jerked her head toward the sound, surprised she’d already made it this close to the lake, but when she found its shore, she froze. 

At the black line of the shore, a boy sat. His hand rose, arm pulling back and then forward as he threw a small rock. It skipped across the water but Lily wasn’t watching it; she knew that arm, had seen it throw hundreds of Quidditch goals throughout the years— but more importantly she knew that hair. 

James Potter tossed another rock, this time with much less enthusiasm as last time, and then he threw himself back so he was lying down completely. He tucked his hands under his head as a pillow and stared up and up at the sky. 

“Hey, Lily.”

Lily almost managed to trip where she was standing utterly still, startled as she was. She was half tempted to turn away, pretend she wasn’t there but— James seemed to always know where she was. 

“Hi, James.”

She was sheepish as she approached him, steps tentative, and she stopped a few feet from him, hovering almost so he could change his mind about her joining him. But he just reached out a hand and patted the grass beside him so she took a breath and sat. 

Lily spent a lot of her time trying  _ not _ to stare at James, at the strong line of his jaw and his full lips, but she did now, squinting at him through the starlight. Everything about him seemed… tired. Not like Remus-tired, right after a full moon, but rather like he’d at last released something that gave nothing back. 

Trepidation— or was it anticipation— again filled Lily and this time her heart picked up and she had the feeling she’d unintentionally walked right up to the edge of something. 

What was wrong?

“What are you doing out here?” Lily crossed her legs under her, not quite feeling at ease to lie down right next to James. And then she realized something was indeed missing from this sight. “Has Roshana left?”

James never struck her as the type to mope around in melancholy when Roshana left from her visits because he never did. He just carried on, back to the business of being a student once again. So it was odd when he lifted a hand in a languid, meaningless gesture, and then dropped it once more into the grass. 

“You ever gone through the motions?”

“What?”

Still staring at the stars, James squinted, made that useless gesture again but this time with more purpose, like she  _ should _ understand. “Like… something’s not quite right, but you do it anyway because you think it’s right for the other person?”

In Lily’s imagination, she saw herself standing at a cliff, the ground so far below that she couldn’t tell if it were agony or mercy, and she said, softly, “James..?”

James licked his lips and for ten maddening seconds, he said nothing as he turned thought and words over and over in his head. When he spoke, he was just as quiet. “In the back of my mind, I never really thought Roshana was  _ the one _ , you know? I knew it’d end eventually but thought, we’re having fun, she’s happy— why end it?”

Lily honestly and truly had no idea what to say but it wasn’t for lack of trying; words caught in her mouth before they could be voiced. Thoughts passed as quickly as a snitch, barely visible for her to answer his question. Except one… 

A beat passed and then James rolled his head so he faced her, and a shadow of a smirk pulled at his lips as he beheld her mulling everything over. “Spit it out, Evans. What’ve you come up with?”

“I…” Lily trailed off, and then she shook her head. “It was a rhetorical question. Besides, it’s your relationship, it’s not really for me to say.”

James watched her, his expression unreadable but searching, and his smirk melted away into a frown as he looked back up to the stars. “Nah. It’s not… not anymore.”

Lily held herself still, feeling like the moment was so fragile, like she’d shatter into a million pieces if she tipped over the imaginary edge. “What happened?”

A huff of air, hard and bracing, left James’ mouth and he shook his head. “She was accepted into the Ministry’s junior diplomat program.” The words sounded practiced, his tone suggesting this was the first of many recitations. “She leaves for India in a few days and felt that the distance would be too much for us.”

James stopped, and shrugged to himself as if to say,  _ it can’t be helped.  _

Lily said, “you didn’t fight it.” A question, really.

James shrugged and opened his mouth but let his breath fade out before he could voice whatever it was that came to mind. “No. She’s right.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah…” But the word rose and fell flat, trailing off into more of a question than confidence. 

Lily didn’t know what to say next but she wasn’t about to walk away now. So she swallowed and then laid down right next to James on the moist, dewy grass, feeling it seep into her robes. It was earthy down here, fresh and alive— so heady that Lily felt like she might flutter away as she turned her head to James. 

He still stared at the stars and Lily thought she’d give anything to know what he was thinking in this moment. All the things he and Roshana shared, maybe, and all the things that were lost with her leaving. He didn’t look pained though; his eyes weren’t misty with heartbreak and his mouth didn’t tremble at the future before him. 

No tears, no anger, no denial. Just… acceptance. And the flaw Lily picked out before resurfaced and she couldn’t help herself this time.

“James? Were  _ you  _ happy?”

“Yeah,” came the automatic answer, and then his face screwed up into something complicated. “Well. I was happy for the distraction. And then I was happy for the company.”

Distraction… Lily turned that word ‘round and ‘round in her head, wondering what it meant and who or what he needed to be distracted from. She went to ask, opening her mouth and pulling in the breath to do so but he turned his head and met her green eyes with his hazel ones while the smallest of smiles— a shadow, really— brushed his lips. 

“You know,” he said simply, plainly. “You know, Evans.”

Lily tipped over that edge, landing in the warm embrace of mercy, breathless and heart pounding. She sat up and stared hard at James; amusement danced in his eyes, the smile on his lips growing.

“Oh my God,” she said. “Potter— you better not be—”

“Seriously,” he cut her off. He pulled himself up with a slight groan and leaned his arms on his knees. “I didn’t magically get over you overnight, even though probably I acted like it. Roshana helped and— don’t look at me like that, I didn’t use her. It was sort of an accident, getting together. But like I said, it was fun and we were happy.”

“But why didn’t you…”

“Ask you out?” James pinned her with a knowing look, brow high and skeptical. “You were quite clear in  _ your  _ feelings. If I recall, it was either me or the giant squid.” 

Lily winced. Fair point— back then, when Roshana came into James’ life, Lily hadn’t fully warmed up to James yet. In fact, if  _ she _ recalled, it took months before she stopped complaining about him joining their study sessions. Months of running into him and getting used to his deflated ego, how genuine and enjoyable his company was.

“What I want to know,” James went on, casually picking up another rock to skip it across the water. “Is when  _ you _ decided the giant squid wasn’t such a hot date after all.”

It took her a moment to realize what he meant as she was still reeling from his confession moments before but when she did, her face flooded with warmth and she groaned as months of pining and wanting all threatened to break free. “Oh my God— you  _ noticed.”  _

James’ arm faltered and he glanced at her in apology. “Not until recently… spring suits you, Lily. You laugh more.”

It might’ve been a curious statement if it wasn’t so true. But pained hope bubbled up.

“If you’d known earlier…” 

“Maybe,” James said, guilt passing across his face. He frowned and skipped another rock across the water, thinking, processing. “It’s not fair to Roshana, I know, but… well, I was right, we didn’t work out anyway.”

“It’s good that you tried, though.” 

James shrugged, still frowning, but he nodded to himself and skipped yet another rock. Lily watched it disappear into the darkness, the air filled with frogs croaking, and the little splashes of unseen creatures. Lily’s robe was chilled and damp from where she sat on it, and the night was slowly cooling; she shivered, but she didn’t want to go inside just yet. She brushed her hand across dewy grass and felt around for her own rock, smooth from water and small in her palm. 

“James?”

“Hmm?” 

She tossed her own rock and it eagerly trailed after his. “I’m not going to be your rebound.” 

James stilled, almost fumbling his next rock, and his eyes widened, truly stricken for the first time tonight— until she continued, her heart pounding so hard she thought he could hear it. 

“I’m not going to kiss you tonight, or fall into your bed, or even agree to a date… but I’ll let you flirt. And I’ll flirt back. I just— I need to know this isn’t— it’s not, like… I need to make sure this is real, and that you’re not just going to— mourn something that was actually good with the first person around.”

“Technically, Sirius was the first person around, so—”

_ “James.”  _ Lily closed her eyes, took a shaky but steady breath. When she opened her eyes, they were open, pleading, and James shut up. “Please. Let’s just try to do this… proper.”

A slow smile spread over James’ face, smug and mischievous. Lily was swept with the intense need to take back her words, to lean in and close the distance between them— to take his head in both hands and kiss that smirk right off his dumb, handsome face. But she resisted, her own smirk coming up to match his.

“Aw, Evans,” James said, his words heavy with promise, “you’re so on.”

**Author's Note:**

> True story, this was inspired by Illicit Affairs and then Ivy by Taylor Swift-- for all of two seconds because I just couldn't make James or Lily be unfaithful in anyway. I tried to keep the songs' general atmosphere though. Anyway, thanks for reading!
> 
> [Tumblr!](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


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